So what is love?

I've been watching videos to deal with my current pain.

And I feel I'm a person trying to combine two art pieces, in a world where everyone is trying to put two puzzle pieces together.

I'm not trying to make it sound like I'm perfect, but I appreciate imperfection in the girls I like. Two art pieces going in the same wall never fit perfectly or imperfectly, they "just work". Two puzzle pieces on the other hand either fit, or don't. I may not be the handsomest guy, I may not be a lot of things, but I feel like I've got a lot to offer and I just want someone to be that second art piece.

Maybe to the outside world, the two art pieces shouldn't fit together, but somehow they do. Maybe their art styles are different, their colors are different, their subjects are different, but they just fucking work.

To me that's what it's all about.

Hopefully my wall won't have just me as it's single art piece, I think I deserve another one to accompany me.

What I feared is, what i hoped is not.

Nothing much else to do. Might as well move on.

Do I have options? Probably but that is probably the right one.

The worst part is I now have about 2-4 times where I have to see her which will just drill me worse into the hole I am right now.

Emptiness and loneliness have taken me out of worse holes so thats probably the call now, but I think it gets harder each time, and thats what I am afraid of.

I've tried to cry but can't I just feel goosebumps of sadness if there is such a thing, those you usually feel right before crying but im stuck in sadness purgatory.

Its not just being sad, its feeling like i just need to give up, stop doing this to myself, stop putting myself out there. I was not built for this and its just futile to continue trying because it always ends up here, with me giving it my all, and receiving nothing in return. People say theres someone for everyone out there, but im starting to think its all a lie, because the amount of conditions that need to happen for me to want to be with someone are so hard to achieve, and when i do achieve them it never goes anywhere.

The emotions are just too overwhelming right now and I need to rest.

What am I to do?

It's been 8 years. 8 years since I've written here. Life has gone through whites, blacks and grays. I think I'm at a comfortable gray in everything except one thing.

Fucking love man, its a fickle bitch. Every time I feel comfortable being alone, I grow fond of someone, to the point where theres a rainbow puke of chaos within the calm, boring thing that is my life. 

In the past it has been easy, it usually was an unexpected tornado, but this has been like 18 years of a water drop falling on a rock.

I've always liked this girl, ever since I met her, but my stupid ass put itself into friendship so deep, its the excalibur of fucking relationships. 

Recently I've been super close to her, and she close to me, but I'm terrified. I read everyday about how men confuse niceness with romantic affection and I worry I'm one of those, so I never assume it is. I'm terrified to be wrong. 

Of course this stems from my deeply seated fear of rejection, and I'm also afraid to betray. She is one of the nicest girls I've ever met and she doesn't deserve betrayal. But then again, I don't think I deserve this feeling purgatory I've gotten myself into. But then again, I put myself here so if anyone should be punished it should be me I guess.

I'm just sad, sad of what it could be, sad that I may be a horrible person, and sad that maybe it's all just in my head.

Sad that every alternate reality I picture is bad, and the good ones are just too good to be true.

It's been 8 years. 8 years since I've written here. Life has gone through whites, blacks and grays. This is just checkerboard flickering where I dont know where to even sit down. Sit down and just be sad about what it could be.

Maybe I just need to cut contact and move on. Some maybes are just meant to hurt. Even though it wont make you bleed, sadness feels sharp, cutting through the monotony of nothingness.

M, I care for you to a point you'll never know. 

FUCK. Finally, someone who understands...
Its not about control, its about wanting to keep someone by your side.
Some people don't understand the ways someone can say "I love you" by saying other things beside the literal words. Keep your loved ones healthy :)

From Netflix's "Love":

-God, he would kill me if he caught me smoking this.
He made me promise him I'd quit. 

-[clicks tongue] That is so sweet. 

-Or annoying. 

-No, that's nice. That's like, he wants you around. I've never had a guy care enough about me to want me to quit smoking.25295

Writing Exercise

Entonces estoy llevando un curso de diseño de juegos de una universidad de california, y como ejercicio nos pusieron a escribir una trama para Pacman y votar por la trama favorita escrita por alguien más, la mía está de primera en votos yei!

Creo que más que mérito mío es falta de amor en las otras escrituras pero bueno la pongo acá para acordarme de lo que escribí :)

Emilio Monge 4 hours ago WARNING: I went kinda dark with the story, sorry about that. So there is John, this regular guy who always wanted to save people, he has this moniker where people call him PACific MAN, because he was always so peaceful and calm. John used to work as a fireman for lots of years, but a certain event made him quit. He was once saving lots of people in a building on fire and as he found the last person inside, this old lady was speaking a foreign language, luckily one of John's partners on the fire department was also from Uzbekistan so he translated, apparently her nephews were hidden inside the building because they were in the USA illegally and without a visa. As soon as John understood this, he went back inside the building on fire, only to return without part of his soul. He found the children, but couldn't save them. They only thing he could bring back the old fragile lady, just before she burst into tears, was a slightly burnt picture. The picture had 4 children in them, the same ones John couldn't save: a boy doing some drawings on his notebook, a small girl who was blinking while the picture was taken, the oldest boy who was apparently wearing an really old and filled with holes shirt of Bonnie & Clyde, and finally the sweetest little girl which was wearing all pink. That was the last day John worked as a fireman, and that was the day the nightmares began...

So i found out i was forgotten...

I thought by the time this moment came I'd be okay.

So it turns out I'm still not.

About forgetting...

“Most things are forgotten over time. Even the war itself, the life-and-death struggle people went through is now like something from the distant past. We’re so caught up in our everyday lives that events of the past are no longer in orbit around our minds. There are just too many things we have to think about everyday, too many new things we have to learn. But still, no matter how much time passes, no matter what takes place in the interim, there are some things we can never assign to oblivion, memories we can never rub away. They remain with us forever, like a touchstone.”

― Haruki Murakami