Longing

I wish to wake up,

wake up forgetting you. 

Walk by you in a store

without noticing you.

I don't hate the memories

but they cause me pain.

I hope someday that I

could meet you again.

Each second spent with you

brings me joy and bliss

yet it still damages me

that makes you hard to miss.

To you, its probably nothing

the time spent together. 

To me, you're in my head

not only now, but forever. 

Holes and Bumps, Hopes and Dumps

Its funny how my hole is just her bump.

How my hope is just her dump. 

She is unfazed and I feel like her life didn't change, while mine feels like it's crumbling down.

My eggs were all in one basket, but the basket had a hole.

A hole where the love fell out, and became pain and tears.

My head feels disconnected from my entire body, numbness envelops me.

My eyes feel constantly teary, and my body is so busy dealing with pain I'm feeling cold.

There's a hole in my stomach, but i don't know where it leads. 

I was brave today, but sometimes brave heroes die sad.

Time with her makes me so happy, but afterwards I just realize how bad of a lie that happiness is.

She said today's no, was a yes years in the past, but without a time machine there's nothing I can do with that, it gives me hope of something that cannot happen.

Futility is pain, learning that it will not happen breaks me. 

I was fine yesterday, why am I broken today? Why can such a good day bring me such sadness, its just a taste of something I cannot and will not have. 

Its my turn to weep, to mourn, and to hurt. Hopefully I can suffer so much that the entire world stops feeling sadness for a single second, so it is worth it. Worth it to feel my feelings carved out with a rusty butter knife.

Hopefully this isn't the one to make me bitter, or angry or resentful, but I understand those who become those things. Its hard to deal with the degree of magnitude that a broken heart can cause, and anyone who does, I feel is allowed to do it in their own way.

I just want to disappear. Have silence in my head. Stop thinking all those truths i cannot avoid. I want to forget knowing her, and just be bored with life. Thoughts running around like theyre burrowing in the back of my head, until i just start crying. 

And now, I cry. 

So what is love?

I've been watching videos to deal with my current pain.

And I feel I'm a person trying to combine two art pieces, in a world where everyone is trying to put two puzzle pieces together.

I'm not trying to make it sound like I'm perfect, but I appreciate imperfection in the girls I like. Two art pieces going in the same wall never fit perfectly or imperfectly, they "just work". Two puzzle pieces on the other hand either fit, or don't. I may not be the handsomest guy, I may not be a lot of things, but I feel like I've got a lot to offer and I just want someone to be that second art piece.

Maybe to the outside world, the two art pieces shouldn't fit together, but somehow they do. Maybe their art styles are different, their colors are different, their subjects are different, but they just fucking work.

To me that's what it's all about.

Hopefully my wall won't have just me as it's single art piece, I think I deserve another one to accompany me.

What I feared is, what i hoped is not.

Nothing much else to do. Might as well move on.

Do I have options? Probably but that is probably the right one.

The worst part is I now have about 2-4 times where I have to see her which will just drill me worse into the hole I am right now.

Emptiness and loneliness have taken me out of worse holes so thats probably the call now, but I think it gets harder each time, and thats what I am afraid of.

I've tried to cry but can't I just feel goosebumps of sadness if there is such a thing, those you usually feel right before crying but im stuck in sadness purgatory.

Its not just being sad, its feeling like i just need to give up, stop doing this to myself, stop putting myself out there. I was not built for this and its just futile to continue trying because it always ends up here, with me giving it my all, and receiving nothing in return. People say theres someone for everyone out there, but im starting to think its all a lie, because the amount of conditions that need to happen for me to want to be with someone are so hard to achieve, and when i do achieve them it never goes anywhere.

The emotions are just too overwhelming right now and I need to rest.

What am I to do?

It's been 8 years. 8 years since I've written here. Life has gone through whites, blacks and grays. I think I'm at a comfortable gray in everything except one thing.

Fucking love man, its a fickle bitch. Every time I feel comfortable being alone, I grow fond of someone, to the point where theres a rainbow puke of chaos within the calm, boring thing that is my life. 

In the past it has been easy, it usually was an unexpected tornado, but this has been like 18 years of a water drop falling on a rock.

I've always liked this girl, ever since I met her, but my stupid ass put itself into friendship so deep, its the excalibur of fucking relationships. 

Recently I've been super close to her, and she close to me, but I'm terrified. I read everyday about how men confuse niceness with romantic affection and I worry I'm one of those, so I never assume it is. I'm terrified to be wrong. 

Of course this stems from my deeply seated fear of rejection, and I'm also afraid to betray. She is one of the nicest girls I've ever met and she doesn't deserve betrayal. But then again, I don't think I deserve this feeling purgatory I've gotten myself into. But then again, I put myself here so if anyone should be punished it should be me I guess.

I'm just sad, sad of what it could be, sad that I may be a horrible person, and sad that maybe it's all just in my head.

Sad that every alternate reality I picture is bad, and the good ones are just too good to be true.

It's been 8 years. 8 years since I've written here. Life has gone through whites, blacks and grays. This is just checkerboard flickering where I dont know where to even sit down. Sit down and just be sad about what it could be.

Maybe I just need to cut contact and move on. Some maybes are just meant to hurt. Even though it wont make you bleed, sadness feels sharp, cutting through the monotony of nothingness.

M, I care for you to a point you'll never know. 

FUCK. Finally, someone who understands...
Its not about control, its about wanting to keep someone by your side.
Some people don't understand the ways someone can say "I love you" by saying other things beside the literal words. Keep your loved ones healthy :)

From Netflix's "Love":

-God, he would kill me if he caught me smoking this.
He made me promise him I'd quit. 

-[clicks tongue] That is so sweet. 

-Or annoying. 

-No, that's nice. That's like, he wants you around. I've never had a guy care enough about me to want me to quit smoking.25295

Writing Exercise

Entonces estoy llevando un curso de diseño de juegos de una universidad de california, y como ejercicio nos pusieron a escribir una trama para Pacman y votar por la trama favorita escrita por alguien más, la mía está de primera en votos yei!

Creo que más que mérito mío es falta de amor en las otras escrituras pero bueno la pongo acá para acordarme de lo que escribí :)

Emilio Monge 4 hours ago WARNING: I went kinda dark with the story, sorry about that. So there is John, this regular guy who always wanted to save people, he has this moniker where people call him PACific MAN, because he was always so peaceful and calm. John used to work as a fireman for lots of years, but a certain event made him quit. He was once saving lots of people in a building on fire and as he found the last person inside, this old lady was speaking a foreign language, luckily one of John's partners on the fire department was also from Uzbekistan so he translated, apparently her nephews were hidden inside the building because they were in the USA illegally and without a visa. As soon as John understood this, he went back inside the building on fire, only to return without part of his soul. He found the children, but couldn't save them. They only thing he could bring back the old fragile lady, just before she burst into tears, was a slightly burnt picture. The picture had 4 children in them, the same ones John couldn't save: a boy doing some drawings on his notebook, a small girl who was blinking while the picture was taken, the oldest boy who was apparently wearing an really old and filled with holes shirt of Bonnie & Clyde, and finally the sweetest little girl which was wearing all pink. That was the last day John worked as a fireman, and that was the day the nightmares began...