Holes and Bumps, Hopes and Dumps

Its funny how my hole is just her bump.

How my hope is just her dump. 

She is unfazed and I feel like her life didn't change, while mine feels like it's crumbling down.

My eggs were all in one basket, but the basket had a hole.

A hole where the love fell out, and became pain and tears.

My head feels disconnected from my entire body, numbness envelops me.

My eyes feel constantly teary, and my body is so busy dealing with pain I'm feeling cold.

There's a hole in my stomach, but i don't know where it leads. 

I was brave today, but sometimes brave heroes die sad.

Time with her makes me so happy, but afterwards I just realize how bad of a lie that happiness is.

She said today's no, was a yes years in the past, but without a time machine there's nothing I can do with that, it gives me hope of something that cannot happen.

Futility is pain, learning that it will not happen breaks me. 

I was fine yesterday, why am I broken today? Why can such a good day bring me such sadness, its just a taste of something I cannot and will not have. 

Its my turn to weep, to mourn, and to hurt. Hopefully I can suffer so much that the entire world stops feeling sadness for a single second, so it is worth it. Worth it to feel my feelings carved out with a rusty butter knife.

Hopefully this isn't the one to make me bitter, or angry or resentful, but I understand those who become those things. Its hard to deal with the degree of magnitude that a broken heart can cause, and anyone who does, I feel is allowed to do it in their own way.

I just want to disappear. Have silence in my head. Stop thinking all those truths i cannot avoid. I want to forget knowing her, and just be bored with life. Thoughts running around like theyre burrowing in the back of my head, until i just start crying. 

And now, I cry. 

So what is love?

I've been watching videos to deal with my current pain.

And I feel I'm a person trying to combine two art pieces, in a world where everyone is trying to put two puzzle pieces together.

I'm not trying to make it sound like I'm perfect, but I appreciate imperfection in the girls I like. Two art pieces going in the same wall never fit perfectly or imperfectly, they "just work". Two puzzle pieces on the other hand either fit, or don't. I may not be the handsomest guy, I may not be a lot of things, but I feel like I've got a lot to offer and I just want someone to be that second art piece.

Maybe to the outside world, the two art pieces shouldn't fit together, but somehow they do. Maybe their art styles are different, their colors are different, their subjects are different, but they just fucking work.

To me that's what it's all about.

Hopefully my wall won't have just me as it's single art piece, I think I deserve another one to accompany me.

What I feared is, what i hoped is not.

Nothing much else to do. Might as well move on.

Do I have options? Probably but that is probably the right one.

The worst part is I now have about 2-4 times where I have to see her which will just drill me worse into the hole I am right now.

Emptiness and loneliness have taken me out of worse holes so thats probably the call now, but I think it gets harder each time, and thats what I am afraid of.

I've tried to cry but can't I just feel goosebumps of sadness if there is such a thing, those you usually feel right before crying but im stuck in sadness purgatory.

Its not just being sad, its feeling like i just need to give up, stop doing this to myself, stop putting myself out there. I was not built for this and its just futile to continue trying because it always ends up here, with me giving it my all, and receiving nothing in return. People say theres someone for everyone out there, but im starting to think its all a lie, because the amount of conditions that need to happen for me to want to be with someone are so hard to achieve, and when i do achieve them it never goes anywhere.

The emotions are just too overwhelming right now and I need to rest.

What am I to do?

It's been 8 years. 8 years since I've written here. Life has gone through whites, blacks and grays. I think I'm at a comfortable gray in everything except one thing.

Fucking love man, its a fickle bitch. Every time I feel comfortable being alone, I grow fond of someone, to the point where theres a rainbow puke of chaos within the calm, boring thing that is my life. 

In the past it has been easy, it usually was an unexpected tornado, but this has been like 18 years of a water drop falling on a rock.

I've always liked this girl, ever since I met her, but my stupid ass put itself into friendship so deep, its the excalibur of fucking relationships. 

Recently I've been super close to her, and she close to me, but I'm terrified. I read everyday about how men confuse niceness with romantic affection and I worry I'm one of those, so I never assume it is. I'm terrified to be wrong. 

Of course this stems from my deeply seated fear of rejection, and I'm also afraid to betray. She is one of the nicest girls I've ever met and she doesn't deserve betrayal. But then again, I don't think I deserve this feeling purgatory I've gotten myself into. But then again, I put myself here so if anyone should be punished it should be me I guess.

I'm just sad, sad of what it could be, sad that I may be a horrible person, and sad that maybe it's all just in my head.

Sad that every alternate reality I picture is bad, and the good ones are just too good to be true.

It's been 8 years. 8 years since I've written here. Life has gone through whites, blacks and grays. This is just checkerboard flickering where I dont know where to even sit down. Sit down and just be sad about what it could be.

Maybe I just need to cut contact and move on. Some maybes are just meant to hurt. Even though it wont make you bleed, sadness feels sharp, cutting through the monotony of nothingness.

M, I care for you to a point you'll never know.