Nothing much else to do. Might as well move on.
Do I have options? Probably but that is probably the right one.
The worst part is I now have about 2-4 times where I have to see her which will just drill me worse into the hole I am right now.
Emptiness and loneliness have taken me out of worse holes so thats probably the call now, but I think it gets harder each time, and thats what I am afraid of.
I've tried to cry but can't I just feel goosebumps of sadness if there is such a thing, those you usually feel right before crying but im stuck in sadness purgatory.
Its not just being sad, its feeling like i just need to give up, stop doing this to myself, stop putting myself out there. I was not built for this and its just futile to continue trying because it always ends up here, with me giving it my all, and receiving nothing in return. People say theres someone for everyone out there, but im starting to think its all a lie, because the amount of conditions that need to happen for me to want to be with someone are so hard to achieve, and when i do achieve them it never goes anywhere.
The emotions are just too overwhelming right now and I need to rest.
It's been 8 years. 8 years since I've written here. Life has gone through whites, blacks and grays. I think I'm at a comfortable gray in everything except one thing.
Fucking love man, its a fickle bitch. Every time I feel comfortable being alone, I grow fond of someone, to the point where theres a rainbow puke of chaos within the calm, boring thing that is my life.
In the past it has been easy, it usually was an unexpected tornado, but this has been like 18 years of a water drop falling on a rock.
I've always liked this girl, ever since I met her, but my stupid ass put itself into friendship so deep, its the excalibur of fucking relationships.
Recently I've been super close to her, and she close to me, but I'm terrified. I read everyday about how men confuse niceness with romantic affection and I worry I'm one of those, so I never assume it is. I'm terrified to be wrong.
Of course this stems from my deeply seated fear of rejection, and I'm also afraid to betray. She is one of the nicest girls I've ever met and she doesn't deserve betrayal. But then again, I don't think I deserve this feeling purgatory I've gotten myself into. But then again, I put myself here so if anyone should be punished it should be me I guess.
I'm just sad, sad of what it could be, sad that I may be a horrible person, and sad that maybe it's all just in my head.
Sad that every alternate reality I picture is bad, and the good ones are just too good to be true.
It's been 8 years. 8 years since I've written here. Life has gone through whites, blacks and grays. This is just checkerboard flickering where I dont know where to even sit down. Sit down and just be sad about what it could be.
Maybe I just need to cut contact and move on. Some maybes are just meant to hurt. Even though it wont make you bleed, sadness feels sharp, cutting through the monotony of nothingness.
M, I care for you to a point you'll never know.
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WARNING: I went kinda dark with the story, sorry about that.
So there is John, this regular guy who always wanted to save people, he has this moniker where people call him PACific MAN, because he was always so peaceful and calm. John used to work as a fireman for lots of years, but a certain event made him quit.
He was once saving lots of people in a building on fire and as he found the last person inside, this old lady was speaking a foreign language, luckily one of John's partners on the fire department was also from Uzbekistan so he translated, apparently her nephews were hidden inside the building because they were in the USA illegally and without a visa.
As soon as John understood this, he went back inside the building on fire, only to return without part of his soul. He found the children, but couldn't save them. They only thing he could bring back the old fragile lady, just before she burst into tears, was a slightly burnt picture.
The picture had 4 children in them, the same ones John couldn't save: a boy doing some drawings on his notebook, a small girl who was blinking while the picture was taken, the oldest boy who was apparently wearing an really old and filled with holes shirt of Bonnie & Clyde, and finally the sweetest little girl which was wearing all pink.
That was the last day John worked as a fireman, and that was the day the nightmares began...
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No se si quiero ser el tipo de persona q está triste por recordar, o el tipo de persona que está feliz por olvidar.
Ahorita sigo estando más cerca del primer tipo que del segundo.
Que difícil tener que aparentar estar bien, que difícil saber que solo a uno le importa lo que está pasando por la cabeza.
Supongo que es mi culpa por como soy dado que yo intento no revelar lo que siento.
Me encantaría lograr conseguir un inicio nuevo, pero no se donde encontrarlo ni siquiera si lo quiero. Parte de mi solo considera que lo necesita, necesito cambiar algo, necesito que algo sea distinto.
Ya he cambiado mucho pero nada mejora, solo sigue como igual.
No se la verdad, supongo que solo estoy lleno de dudas de mi mismo y quién soy y cual es mi lugar.
Digamos que estoy bien.
No lo estoy.
Supongo que nadie me tiene.
Nadie me tiene enamorandome tanto, nadie me tiene pensando en un futuro con alguien, nadie me tiene pensando q podía ser feliz, nadie me tiene pensando que alguien me podía amar, nadie me tiene pensando que era especial, nadie me tiene pensando que no le estorbaba, nadie me tiene siendo feliz con solo tener a ese alguien a la par, nadie me tiene aguantando dolores por amor para que me terminen dejando, nadie me tiene pensando que talvez me la merecía, nadie me tiene soñando todos los días con esa persona, nadie me tiene amandola.
Amandola.
Amandola tanto.
Tanto que me dolía.
Supongo que eso es, el dolor nunca me ha dejado y probablemente me seguirá acompañando por mucho tiempo.
Parte de mi siempre la amará.
Aunque me duela.
Its like you become more you. Which is normally... BOOM... but now it's okay... because the person, like, whoever, they chose to take all that on. All that weird stuff. Whatever's wrong or bad or hiding in you. Suddenly it's all right. You don't feel like such a freak anymore.
